Monday, Apr 19, 1880 The day was dark and sad and I could not rise above my awful and crushing sense of depression. The house and the landscape are sad and all my thoughts go to darling Gertrude. I came away on the noon train Sade driving me down to the ferry. I do not know what I should do without her tender love and sympathy. She begs me to strive against my depression, wants me to go abroad with Booth and to get away from the reminders of my sorrow, but how can I. I have no money and even if I had the disposition to go away which I have not now that my father and mother are old and dependent upon me, I could not do it. I lose sight of all my blessings thinking of the light that went out of my life with dear Gertrude. I read on my way down in Miss Mulocks "Christians Mistake" and at Newberg Mr. Lay got in and sat with me and we talked the rest of the way. My studio looked sad and gloomy when I arrived and I went over to Marys earlier than usual because I could not bear to be alone. Booth had asked them to come to his box and see him in Richelieu and to bring me so we went, Calvert, Mary and I. Gifford and his wife were there and Mrs. Booth came in to see us looking so very badly. Gifford, Calvert and I went to his dressing room at the end of the second act. He told us he was alarmed about her and I think she too is troubled about herself. She looks to me as thought she were in a rapid decline. He played with greater refinement than ever and this I think is one of his great roles.
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